This feeling is limbo, freeing, like someone removed your bones and it’s scary, I’m fucking scared because I know I don’t want to do what everyone else does, I don’t want to put them back close to how they were before. I’m contemplating cracking my skull in half and sticking it in each hand, I thought about ripping out the placement of my heart and putting it right between my eyes. I want to be free and yet I still believe in the things that make us human, even if humanity is sliding down the shaft of its own asshole while
I couldn’t help staring at the ceiling, peeling, rotting, once again and that spot had grown so great without my noticing it. I was so busy getting ahead I fell behind and fell into solitude and now I want more I want him I want you and it was strange, still randomly sleeping with the past and feeling sick for doing it.
Can we start over, again, again, again, again, again, again, again–
Shit I’m just taking all these steps back and then speeding forward blindly, I’m rounding corners so sharp my shoulders are bleeding.
I once wanted to sing and now look at me spit soaking my shirt and exposing my nipples yet I’m silent maybe moaning but really I’m mostly only using my fingers to figure out how to make something new and stay creative but it’s not creativity that keeps me up, it’s a fucking illness. Passions can possess you and tragedy sleeps with me, but I swear I’m never lying when I tap them out, tucked away or exposed and explicit as it gets, either way it’s real, I’m forreal, I’m fucking trying to deal with the five cards I was given. Hit me again and then let me sell another smooth line ;
My smooth lines aren’t really selling, I’m fucking hoarding them in my mind and even now I’m shoving them away from you because who knows what kind of cruel things you’ll do to smooth things
Baby said turn over and I did but spun all the way around instead, wrapping us both up in blisters and confusion because I’m not used to sober sex, I’ve only had it with him and isn’t that the saddest shit a girl can trick herself into so he can feel like he tricked her out of that dress, impressing them both is not an easy task.
Lights left on and burnt out with a snap the second time you twist the knob expecting the sun to come and all you got was a super nova the size of a mite. I thought I might be able to see the moon tonight but it’s too new, too unborn at this point and who am I kidding, feeling like a little girl because that’s all I am. I’m happy there, inside a purple glitter skin like I just began, though I believe I started out red and the red ran into me, soaked through me, never quite evaporated then seeped out at strange moments. How ugly. How fucking beautiful. And all it took was the tone of your voice to cut me open and all it took was a touch to open me up. This is the only way things work, like fucking clockwork gone bizerk I mean what’s the point of time if you’re always missing deadlines and raising your hands above your head as cheap 90′s tunes spark your nostalgia again , I’ll say nevermind instead of whatever but the texture of the words are similar.
Shit I thought I lost it when I turned 15, or 13, or 22, but look at it all cyclic and dizzying, I can’t keep on this ride for more than a century. I guess that’s how people die out or die down or kill their conscious with a bottle of whiskey. –oops that’s me. But I didn’t really mind the feeling, just wished I hadn’t hopped into bed with someone who kills me with obsession. Still, I got a lesson, the continum theorem or some such shit like a piece of paper folded in half next to three dozen more strewn across the floor by the french doors to the back porch and I liked getting fingered while I glanced over symbolic equations. Sigh, my guy won’t have those kinds of books lying around like that so I’ll have to provide a stack as he’s stacking his bong with crap and when he leans over to kiss me I’ll make sure I breathe deep so the exhale travels halfway down my lungs, a quarter to my brain, pain erased and now I’m wet so you can bet we’re going to have sex again and again I won’t have to tell him that I like it rough cuz he’s good enough to know, the chemistry is so intense I don’t have to mention it, or anything, and fuck me again against a wall, back cracks and I’ll take another deep breathe to make sure I get home to my mind after a few times wandering around the block and peering over the spring green trees to see if I can see the silver door to your crappy sports car. I love it and I want it to take me wherever you go except no you’re always working what a drag I must have had bad luck when I decided to say yes just as you become responsible and booked.
Sigh again and then I hold a sign above my head on the side of the highway, which is now I-90FB: internet sensation, here’s looking at you and everyone on your newsfeed. I did it again, I sighed and thought it meant I was fine but knew it meant I was so bored I was smothering myself in the burgundy bedsheets just to tease the reaper, he’s a keeper the way he’s shown me how my future stretches pretty far at least for now, I guess he sorta likes me. I can feel the breeze of another 30 years sweeping in from the distance and my hair is tangled in the whisper.
too late to make sense any more. glossy eyes, hope there was something there, but
life is far from linear.