Bedroom Regalia

This feeling is limbo, freeing, like someone removed your bones and it’s scary, I’m fucking scared because I know I don’t want to do what everyone else does, I don’t want to put them back close to how they were before. I’m contemplating cracking my skull in half and sticking it in each hand, I thought about ripping out the placement of my heart and putting it right between my eyes. I want to be free and yet I still believe in the things that make us human, even if humanity is sliding down the shaft of its own asshole while

I couldn’t help staring at the ceiling, peeling, rotting, once again and that spot had grown so great without my noticing it. I was so busy getting ahead I fell behind and fell into solitude and now I want more I want him I want you and it was strange, still randomly sleeping with the past and feeling sick for doing it.
Can we start over, again, again, again, again, again, again, again–
Shit I’m just taking all these steps back and then speeding forward blindly, I’m rounding corners so sharp my shoulders are bleeding.
I once wanted to sing and now look at me spit soaking my shirt and exposing my nipples yet I’m silent maybe moaning but really I’m mostly only using my fingers to figure out how to make something new and stay creative but it’s not creativity that keeps me up, it’s a fucking illness. Passions can possess you and tragedy sleeps with me, but I swear I’m never lying when I tap them out, tucked away or exposed and explicit as it gets, either way it’s real, I’m forreal, I’m fucking trying to deal with the five cards I was given. Hit me again and then let me sell another smooth line ;
My smooth lines aren’t really selling, I’m fucking hoarding them in my mind and even now I’m shoving them away from you because who knows what kind of cruel things you’ll do to smooth things
Baby said turn over and I did but spun all the way around instead, wrapping us both up in blisters and confusion because I’m not used to sober sex, I’ve only had it with him and isn’t that the saddest shit a girl can trick herself into so he can feel like he tricked her out of that dress, impressing them both is not an easy task.

Lights left on and burnt out with a snap the second time you twist the knob expecting the sun to come and all you got was a super nova the size of a mite. I thought I might be able to see the moon tonight but it’s too new, too unborn at this point and who am I kidding, feeling like a little girl because that’s all I am. I’m happy there, inside a purple glitter skin like I just began, though I believe I started out red and the red ran into me, soaked through me, never quite evaporated then seeped out at strange moments. How ugly. How fucking beautiful. And all it took was the tone of your voice to cut me open and all it took was a touch to open me up. This is the only way things work, like fucking clockwork gone bizerk I mean what’s the point of time if you’re always missing deadlines and raising your hands above your head as cheap 90′s tunes spark your nostalgia again , I’ll say nevermind instead of whatever but the texture of the words are similar.

Shit I thought I lost it when I turned 15, or 13, or 22, but look at it all cyclic and dizzying, I can’t keep on this ride for more than a century. I guess that’s how people die out or die down or kill their conscious with a bottle of whiskey. –oops that’s me. But I didn’t really mind the feeling, just wished I hadn’t hopped into bed with someone who kills me with obsession. Still, I got a lesson, the continum theorem or some such shit like a piece of paper folded in half next to three dozen more strewn across the floor by the french doors to the back porch and I liked getting fingered while I glanced over symbolic equations. Sigh, my guy won’t have those kinds of books lying around like that so I’ll have to provide a stack as he’s stacking his bong with crap and when he leans over to kiss me I’ll make sure I breathe deep so the exhale travels halfway down my lungs, a quarter to my brain, pain erased and now I’m wet so you can bet we’re going to have sex again and again I won’t have to tell him that I like it rough cuz he’s good enough to know, the chemistry is so intense I don’t have to mention it, or anything, and fuck me again against a wall, back cracks and I’ll take another deep breathe to make sure I get home to my mind after a few times wandering around the block and peering over the spring green trees to see if I can see the silver door to your crappy sports car. I love it and I want it to take me wherever you go except no you’re always working what a drag I must have had bad luck when I decided to say yes just as you become responsible and booked.

Sigh again and then I hold a sign above my head on the side of the highway, which is now I-90FB: internet sensation, here’s looking at you and everyone on your newsfeed. I did it again, I sighed and thought it meant I was fine but knew it meant I was so bored I was smothering myself in the burgundy bedsheets just to tease the reaper, he’s a keeper the way he’s shown me how my future stretches pretty far at least for now, I guess he sorta likes me. I can feel the breeze of another 30 years sweeping in from the distance and my hair is tangled in the whisper.

too late to make sense any more. glossy eyes,  hope  there was something there, but 
life is far from linear.

The Deep End

The deep end, the deep end–
where the tide is nonexistent nothing pulls me back in
Nothing stops me from descent
12 feet, 20 years
it continues and continues
but I’ll never touch the bottom and I’ll never breathe human air again
I’ve transformed, transcended; malleable bones and blood and skin

Water has engulfed me
I succame but did not die
Constant drowning is an endless high.

Constant drowning is an endless high
My boredom underwater is a frequent lie
my most frequent sigh is
Diluted by a liquefied existence
this living within
a half empty cup.

I hope you find something that is going to make you happy.
I hope you find something that is going to make you happy.
I hope you find something that is going to make you happy.

Because I am simply floating in an aqua sky
& There is nothing as fluid
As erasing your mind

___________________________

My family is submerged
My mother is the calm
My father was the storm
And my sister is the flood

and
I remain
as fog.

Birth Hour

i feel most complete

when i’m completely deranged

(at 4am)

.

&i was flattered

he told me my ass was perfect

because it was

and it always will be

[cake baby]

another one told me the same thing

and they all did

–except the gay ones.

Tongue

deadbeat d

she got me

she got me

i am in love with an image

only the surface

and sometimes all it is

but i believe

i’m being fucking ridiculous

i mean,

i don’t even know how to be a proper lesbian

look at me,

limited.

Fourth Month Showers

eyes sucking on dry air

but it’s raining, didn’t you hear?

fun fact

i thought the weather was temperamental

but i realized it was simply mentally unstable

sky, stop imitating me

stop crying only when i crying

cuz i crying for no damn reason.

 

He

I can’t fucking sleep because I’m thinking about you constantly.

I”m finally here

I’m finally here

I’m finally letting go and falling in love with you

So why aren’t you ready?

 

& who’s bra is that by the door?

G

04/22/13 22:51 — But I did just want to say fuck you for loving you.

04/22/13 22:53 — Im sorry darlin, i love you still and i wish i treated you better

04/22/13 22:54 — Love only occurs in the distance.

04/22/13 22:55 — Nuh uh love occurs with time

04/22/12 22:58 — & disintegrates with it too.

–

–

hey–

it’s raining

hey

–

are u awake?

twice as dark

It tastes like sour candy

or a stale sweetness, rather

and I didn’t want that

I didn’t want this

I didn’t want him

So why the fuck am I here again?

Social Solitude

(‘Aporia Crying’)

I wanted you to know that you meant a lot along this way.
I wished that I could thank you more personally, but I don’t know you, and
You don’t know me.

Although I was never sure what you saw in such an ego that exhibits only the blue,
I think I fell in love with you.
But now I know
–I fell in love with a static breath without entirety,
Entirely.

I found comfort in detached, so silence is always getting drunk with me.
Alas, the whole could not relieve me like isolation can, I laugh
–But then again,
I cannot get beyond an utter emptiness that swells within
a total capacity.

My throat is dry.

The ground is wet.

I feel the cool of the very very end.

BBY PLZ

[ FOCUS ]

Autoeroticism

If you’ve ever seen me dancing–
No I mean, really dancing
I’ll crawl up until I’ve got you twisted
Because this is triple spinning
This goes without
I can do this by myself
You’ve been missing out
Because this is final winning
It’s so much different
Shut your mouth and empty out
All Feeling
Unwind until uninhibited
Yea, I do that in the dark
I do that under heat lamps
I do that in my sleep
My eyes are shut but I can see
You’ve been lonely for too long
And I get off by being wrong
Dancing to this slow-grind
All alone.

PXW

10/30/2012 3:15AM — I just want u 2 luv me

10/30/2012 3:17AM — I love you in a way you wont accept.

10/30/2012 3:17AM — w/e, if u don’t wanna date me then leave me alone

10/30/2012 3:19AM — I got music to write

10/30/2012 3:19AM — and none of its about you btw

10/30/2012 3:23AM — I don’t really wanna date you I just get mad that I can’t control you–I’m so sorry!

10/30/2012 3:25AM — don’t think every1 else is like me tho–yea sry bye

10/30/2012 3:26AM — </3
10/30/2012 3:26AM — Goodnight

10/30/2012 3:27AM — I really don’t ‘expect’ stuff when I chill with other ppl btw–its just with you

10/30/2012 3:28AM — Just over-all not healthy–yea bye

10/30/2012 3:29AM — Just I feel like u messed with my pride 2 much

10/30/2012 3:30AM — Just yeah. I’m done wit dis bye!

10/30/2012 3:31AM — Just I feel like I’m worth more than that

10/30/2012 3:35AM — Haha but if u ever wanna mix…

10/30/2012 4:00AM — no but u r so beautiful bla bla blah great ya w/e u got that

10/30/2012 11:19AM — Yo I was 6 brews deep + that wine–I guess think what you want–didn’t even remember where I parked– O_O don’t even really remember the specifics of how I acted O_O –I remember me being me and yea…but ttyl i guess…and have whatever type of day you’d like

10/30/2012 12:18PM — Don’t worry about it. I’ll take that as a somewhat apology.

10/30/2012 1:00PM — w/e

10/30/2012 1:11PM — So hoosttile bby

10/30/2012 7:19PM — haha I guess I am just hung up on things n should leave u be

10/30/2012 7:22PM — haha i donno maybe we r just different

10/30/2012 7:23PM — Maybe you should learn to accept who i am.

10/30/2012 7:26PM — okay, well then i want n0thing 2 do with u

10/30/2012 10:29PM — i wish there was a song i culd play that wuld make u love me 4ever :(

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

There is Nothing Left to Talk About.

Are you crying, are you crying?
Barely. Rather, cracking apart and then snapping back together.
Does it get you through, the way it never used to?
Possibly, but it’s dancing under a black-light, it’s moving through ultra-violet.
Is anything hidden?
Barely a human soul.
Maybe it’s only the routine of it that makes the air seem cold, but I never knew that this was what the-path-I-have-been-traveling-so-winding would lead up to.

Because the infinite sky blankets me in warmth, even as it cloaks me in fear.

–And I ask again, would you even know how to face the dark without — ?
And I’ll ask again–have you ever had to?

She shakes her head.

Stars consume themselves and disappear, but we won’t notice for another hundred years…